Daily Newspaper and Travel Guide
for Pecos Country
of West Texas
Tuesday, May 4, 2004
By Smokey Briggs
Join the Retrosexual
Editor’s Note: Today’s column is pure plagiarism. If you have already read this, I apologize but this is too good to pass up. I only wish I could claim full credit past a little minor editing.
Men of the world, throw off your chains. The time has come to stand up and belch in the face of those who despise true manhood. Today you can watch television for a few minutes and hear a dozen terms meant to describe not only a state of sexuality but a state of cultural orientation -Heterosexual, homosexual, bisexual, transsexual, metrosexual, non-sexual. Here is a new term.
It is a term meant to describe the state of manliness long appreciated by Western Civilization and currently under attack by all those who are either threatened by it, or who simply cannot live up to such a high standard.
The term is “Retrosexual.”
A Retrosexual man, no matter what the women insists, pays for the date.
A Retrosexual man opens doors for a lady. Even for the ones that fit that term only because they are female.
A Retrosexual deals with it, be it a flat tire, break-in into your home, or a natural disaster, you deal with it.
A Retrosexual not only eats red meat, he often kills it himself.
A Retrosexual doesn't worry about living to be 90. It's not how long you live, but how well. If you're 90 years old and still smoking cigars and drinking, I salute you.
A Retrosexual does not use more hair or skin products than a woman.
Women have several supermarket aisles of stuff. Retrosexuals need a single shelf stocked with razors and Old Spice.
A Retrosexual does not dress in clothes with somebody’s name sewn on the outside unless the name is Levi, or Lee or Wrangler.
A Retrosexual should know how to properly kill things (or people) if need be. This falls under the "Dealing with IT" portion of The Code.
A Retrosexual watches no TV show with "Queer" in the title. It is just wrong.
A Retrosexual does not let neighbors screw up rooms in his house on national television.
A Retrosexual should not give up excessive amounts of manliness for women. Some is inevitable, but major reinvention of yourself will only lead to you becoming a froo-froo little weenie, and in the long run, she will not respect or love you for doing it.
A Retrosexual is allowed to seek professional help for major mental stress such as drug/alcohol addiction, death of your entire family in a freak tree chipper accident, a favorite sports team being moved to a different city, or favorite hunting dog expiring. You are not allowed to see a shrink because Daddy didn't pay enough attention to you. Daddy was busy dealing with it. When you screwed up, he dealt with you.
A Retrosexual will have at least one outfit in his wardrobe designed to conceal himself from prey and or the enemy.
A Retrosexual knows how to tie a Windsor knot when wearing a tie - and only a Windsor knot.
A Retrosexual should have at least one good wound he can brag about getting.
A Retrosexual knows how to use a basic set of tools. If you can't hammer a nail, or drill a straight hole, practice in secret until you can - or be rightfully ridiculed for being the weenie you are.
A Retrosexual knows that owning a gun is not a sign that you are riddled with fear; guns are tools and are often essential to dealing with it.
Crying. There are very few reasons that a Retrosexual may cry, and none of them have to do with TV commercials, movies, or soap operas.
Sports teams are sometimes a reason to cry, but the preferred method of release is swearing or throwing the remote control. Some reasons a Retrosexual can cry include death of a pet (fish do not count as pets in this case), loss of a major body part, or loss of major body part off your truck. One exception to the movie rule is at the end of Old Yeller. Any man that does not tear up when they put Old Yeller down is suspect of being a “cat person” and definitely not Retrosexual.
When a Retrosexual is on a crowded bus and or a commuter train, and a pregnant woman, heck, any woman gets on, that retrosexual stands up and offers his seat to that woman, then looks around at the other so-called men still in their seats with a disgusted "you punks" look on his face.
A Retrosexual knows how to say the Pledge properly, and with the correct emphasis and pronunciation. He also knows the words to the Star Spangled Banner and sings it loudly with a total range of about four notes.
A Retrosexual will have hobbies and habits his wife does not understand but are essential to his manliness, in that they offset the acceptable manliness decline he suffers when married/engaged or in a serious relationship. Such hobbies include hunting, boxing, shot putting, shooting, cigars and vehicle maintenance.
A Retrosexual knows how to sharpen his own knives and kitchen utensils.
A Retrosexual man can drive in snow (heck, a blizzard) without sliding all over or driving under 20 mph without anxiety and without high-centering his ride in a snow bank.
A Retrosexual man can chop down a tree and make it land where he wants.
Wherever it lands is where he damn well wanted it to land. Except on his truck--that would happen because of a "force of nature", and then the retrosexual man's options are to cry, or to deal with it, or do both.
A Retrosexual will give up his seat on a bus to not only any women but also any elderly person or any person in military dress (except 2nd Lieutenants).
NOTE: The person in military dress may turn down the offer but the Retrosexual man will always make the offer to them and thank them for serving their country.
A Retrosexual man doesn't need a contract - a handshake is good enough. He will always stand by his word even if circumstances change. A Retrosexual man deals with those who go back on their word by resorting to his outfit that conceals him from prey and any number of useful tools.
A Retrosexual man doesn't immediately look to sue someone when he does something stupid and hurts himself. We understand that sometimes in the process of doing things we get hurt and we just deal with it.
Join the Retrosexual revolution men, deal with it.
Return to top
York M. "Smokey" Briggs, Publisher
Division of Buckner News Alliance, Inc.
324 S. Cedar St., Pecos, TX 79772
Phone 432-445-5475, FAX 432-445-4321
Associated Press text, photo, graphic, audio and/or video material shall not be published, broadcast, rewritten for broadcast or publication or redistributed directly or indirectly in any medium.
We support Newspapers in Education
Copyright 2003-04 by Pecos Enterprise