Daily Newspaper and Travel Guide
for Pecos Country of West Texas

Opinion

Tuesday, September 23, 2003

Sage Views

By Smokey Briggs

Queer Eye for

the Straight Guy

(That's really the title, folks)

I plopped down on the couch the other night to see what the talking heads had to say about the world I live in.

I usually do that when I am feeling fat, dumb and happy about the world around me. Fifteen minutes of the silliness that passes for journalism and opinion on the major networks rekindles the fear/fire in my belly.

Network news was not to be had that night. Instead I was shocked, stunned and left somewhat open-mouthed by a vicious assault on the manhood of America.

She-who-must-be-obeyed had the remote so you know the kind of shows we were flipping past and also who picks out the pants I wear each day.

Two channels past a good John Wayne flick the assault began.

Just for the record, I did not make any of this up.

It was ghastly.

Sheer morbid fascination kept me glued to the couch.

The show was called "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy." (You just cannot make this kind of stuff up).

It was sad.

It was scary.

It was demeaning.

For 30 minutes I witnessed a perfectly normal, somewhat masculine member of my species get "made over" by five not-so-masculine members of my species.

When it was over the team pronounced him "better."

I pronounced him something else.

SWMBO just swacked me with a couch pillow and told me I was uncouth.

His girlfriend was supposedly happy, his mom was happy and his effeminate friends were happy. They did not speak to his dad. I suspect he was falling down drunk or working on getting a new identity.

At first I was deeply disturbed.

How could any self-respecting man allow himself to be shorn of his masculine body hair, have the hair on his head poofed, put on a bunch of clothes made from fabrics that have nothing to do with plaid, denim or wool, let his abode be decorated like a Martha Stewart-decorated brothel, exchange good malt-beverages for wine made in, of all places, France, and then pretend he was happy with the change.

(And yes, plaid is a fabric, not just a pattern, if you are a man).

Moreover, how could he expect to attract a mate after such a change?

Then it came to me in one of those flashes of understanding that occasionally are visited upon me.

Obviously this is a plot by the less masculine members of the race to bring real men who brush the hair on their second digits with pride down a few notches on the masculine scale.

It is simply a ploy.

Why would a woman appreciate a man who was more dare I say it? woman-like.

Men don't ogle women who are more man-like. I know that for a fact.

Obviously the more masculine of us are out-competing the rest for mates.

So, in desperation, the less competitive males in America (many of whom seem to live in Hollywood) have come up with this fairly ingenious campaign of disinformation in hopes of convincing the apex males in our society that their most masculine traits are actually unattractive to women.

Ingenious, but no cigar lesser men.

Apex males do not get to the top of the food chain by falling for every song and dance routine that plays across the television.

No plaid?

No body hair?

Funky hair you have to blow dry?

Facial crèmes?

Frenchy sounding menus that do not include steak?

Wine instead of beer?

No hat?

No boots?

Give me a break guys. Apex-level males are not going to fall for such.

I did not.

With the show over for several minutes I wallowed on the couch and realized my back was itchy.

That happens sometimes when the hair on my back gets a little tangled.

"I may need you to run a comb through my back hair tonight little darling," I said with a wink to SWMBO.

I cannot repeat her actual answer.

But, that is okay, I know that what she meant by that small outburst was that she was sure glad she had picked out a mate that understood that plaid goes good with everything and who will never be mistaken for one of the makeover boys trying to convince men to act like girls.

EDITOR'S NOTE: Smokey Briggs is the editor and publisher of the Pecos Enterprise whose column appears on Tuesdays. He can be e-mailed at: smokey@pecos.net

Your View

Reeves County's financial problems continue

DEAR EDITOR: This letter was not received in time for the weekly opinion page that ran before the city council decided not to raise taxes to deal with this year's budget shortfall and was inadvertently left out of the next page.

However, the subject is timeless and the issues addressed are still concerns for the area.

Dear Editor:

I've got to admit it. I enjoy the Enterprise's editorial page. I took a breather from it after the Editor's post 9-11 suggestion to 'surround' an Arab village with a Marine division 'drop napalm and then bayonet the fleeing populace.' But lately, Smokey seems to have mellowed. It may be due his estrogen-rich environment at home. Sometimes, he gets downright smarmy. I like him.

Smokey re-introduced me to competitive shooting. I got hooked, again. I spend a couple of weekends a month at various shooting ranges, breathing gun smoke, eating whatever is cooked over a nearby fire and washing it down with a variety of adult beverages. Testosterone hangs in the air; so thick that attending nine-year-old boys shave twice daily. So, again, I like him.

I have to admit this... I like the kid. Especially when he publishes an "Our View" like that of September 9, 2003. That's happening a lot lately.

Here's a summary. Reeves County, you're broke. If it cost a nickel to defecate, you'd have to vomit. The county is behaving like a deadbeat in its obligation to pay the city what is due on the water development project.

A year ago, we were told the county was awash with money from oil and gas taxes. The taxpayers were told, "After looking around... what this place needs is an Olympic-size swimming pool." A site next to the waste treatment plant was selected... and a name for the water park was suggested by the town wags: "Sh*tt*r-Bahn". What happened? Why, now, are county officials sounding like deadbeats?

"Can we make payments?" Being in business, this has a translation of, "I'm only going to make it sound like I'll pay." There are rare exceptions. The debtor sometimes intends to make the payment, but they just have too many payments already. Popeye the sailor's pal, Wimpy, used a similar tactic. Wimpy was a well-meaning mooch best known for his plea, I'll gladly pay you Thursday, for a hamburger today." Popeye never got paid, but he kept Wimpy around because he was amusing. The county is only amusing if you don't live here.

The same translation holds for "Can we postpone payments?" and "Can we re-negotiate the terms?"

Just like broke people, Reeves County continues to spend money they don't have or that they have promised to their creditors. Hire a lobbyist? The county doesn't have $120,000. I don't care if he's the brother of Moses. The county can't even afford a third-rate swami. Perhaps the county could go to a convenience store and buy lottery tickets. But, ya gotta have cash in hand. As for "reimbursables:" What? The rent-to-own guys are going to show up at the prison and repo the the TV?

The city is in a bind. The county, like many deadbeats, is suit-proof. In other words, they owe more than they're worth, they have an insufficient income, and taking possession of their property only brings the bad debt associated with that property. The city can't 'repo' the prison because the debt for the prison comes with it. The only suggestion made public is 'let's raise taxes." lt's the typical Pavlovian response of government.

Nope, Smokey's right. It's time for a diet. Beans and rice followed by rice and beans. It works for families and it can work for government.

The creditor, the city, needs to set the ground rules for the county. Bring us your books. We'll manage your money. A lobbyist? Mr. Judge, here's a phone number you need to memorize 1-800-FLY-SWA and here'ss the address of the YMCA in Washington DC and Austin. Now, go lobby.

I know I'm being cynical. "Tax Freedom Day," the day after which everything you earn belongs to you, now falls in the secnd week in July. We can't continue to add taxes, fees, and surcharges to an already bloated tax burden. There's a reason that elderly property owners are given tremendous property tax exemptions; they vote with great enthusiasm. Next to teenagers living at home, senior citizens have the most in assets and the fewest liabilities. The tripe about "living on a fixed income" we are fed by AARP just doesn't hold water. A young couple with a high-school education and minimum-wage jobs, and a kid on the way truly know the meaning of 'fixed income". But few such young, working-class homeowners vote... so they get the bill.

Raising taxes just isn't the solution. The mayor knows this. But it's good politics to scare the voters and point a finger at who's responsible for overspending. Let's fix the problem. Stop spending. It's going to hurt... badly. Politicians at all levels need to stop coming to the taxpayer for a money fix. Or, sooner or later, the Third War of Independence will begin. Before, then, let;s fix the problem at the ballot box.

Sincerely,
DR. JOHN LIBBIE

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Pecos Enterprise
York M. "Smokey" Briggs, Publisher
Division of Buckner News Alliance, Inc.
324 S. Cedar St., Pecos, TX 79772
Phone 432-445-5475, FAX 432-445-4321
e-mail news@pecos.net

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