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Thursday, January 29, 1998

Monahans' Well

By Jerry Curry

Warning, Cuidado, the following column should be read only
by masochistic adults (which means I can't read it because I
am neither masochistic nor adult) because these said
masochistic adults need a little education. Roughly, a
masochistic adult can be defined as someone or something
that voted to reelect Bill Clinton as President of the
United States. I can excuse the initial vote. Anyone could
have made that mistake. I did. Outside of that first vote
for Clinton (I even helped the guy get elected the first
time), I can remember only one previous mistake I have made
in my life. It was back in '73, I think. Maybe it was '74.

Obviously these comments are triggered by the latest
revelations from Babylon-on-the-Potomac, which brings up
another point, I like to make often. The thing that could
fix almost everything that is wrong in these United States
would be a large, high electrified fence build around the
Beltway of Washington D.C. Then you lay Claymores around
this big fence. This would generally isolate the strange
form of life that lives in Washington as in D.C. from the
rest of the nation which could then get on about its
business of pursuing life, liberty and happiness
unencumbered by neither the culture nor the ravings of the
depraved little monsters that live in Washington as in D.C.
In fact, I would like to be the first to suggest that
Washington might well have outlived its usefulness as a life
form and it is time to change the site of the nation's
capital. I suggest Thorntonville, where sodomites, liars and
philandering office holders are neither tolerated nor

First the purpose of this column is an attempt to help you
understand the current series of presidential press
conferences and denials.

A lie is an untrue malicious misstatement of fact whose
purpose is to conceal the truth. A falsehood is an untrue
misstatement of fact based on ignorance and misunderstanding.

For example, President Bill Clinton several times a few
years ago denied having a dozen year affair with a young
woman not his wife. In recent days in a court deposition,
said Bill Clinton says he did have a dozen year affair with
the woman in question. He also says he told the truth both
times in relation to the young woman. Is that a lie or a

Another semantics lesson is now in line. There are
allegations the President has been lolly-gagging in the Oval
Office with a young woman not his wife (a different one this
time. it is impossible to remember the names of all the
women with whom Bill has been linked who are not his wife.
Don't feel bad about that. Bill can't either). Now Bill
Clinton says he did not commit adultery with this woman and
he had no sexual contact with this woman and besides that it
might be a good idea to nuke Sadaam over there in Iraq.

Now, if Bill Clinton is guilty of the latest allegations, he
is correct. He did not commit adultery with this young woman
if you apply Mosaic definitions of the term as defined in
the Sacred Writings of the Christians and the Jews.
According to Biblical law, adultery is sexual interaction
between married persons who are not married to each other.
Bill has not mentioned fornication. Fornication is,
according to Biblical definition, sexual interaction between
a married person and an unmarried persons. Both acts, if I
recall correctly, are subject to the death penalty, by
stoning, I believe.

Conclusion: President Bill Clinton is either a lying
fornicator or an ignorant fornicator.

Slick Willie Slides

State of the Union.

Yet another tabloid-selling, television ratings boosting,
joke-spawning latest sex scandal swirling about the White
House and Slick Willie. At least he likes girls. Whooo-eeeee.
State of the Union.

Oh, this flim flam man is good.

This is Slick Willie's hour.

Look at him slide; look at him glide; look at him promise
the moon and take it back and the people don't even notice.
State of the Union.

Oh, this boy is good.

Look at Willie trot out the obligatory hero or two. Look at
him slide, look at him glide, look at the beleaguered First
Lady in that gawd-awful dress just like your grand-momma
might wear.

Look at him take credit for every Conservative initiative
that passed the Congress.

State of the Union.

Oh, Slick Willie's a Con Man's legend..

Look, a Republican just stood and applauded.

Al Gore cannot believe Slick Willie is this good.

State of the Union.

Oh, this boy is good. He truly knows the tip, the slide, the

He's trotted out Santa Claus and the Christmas List.
Everything anyone could want is there. He promises. He
promises. He promises. And he knows he doesn't have to

Ted Kennedy just woke up. Applauding Republicans scare Ted.
But that's his boy up there - slipping and sliding and
bringing down the house.

Everybody! Quick! Check your wallets!

Letter from the editor

Much in the same way that Princess Di's death overshadowed
that of Mother Teresa's, Pope John Paul's historic visit to
Fidel's Cuba was blown out of the water by the sordid
allegations surrounding President Clinton.

A story of hope, faith and possible freedom for 11 million
people is bumped from the top of the page by news editors
who believe that the president's sexual picadillos are of
more importance. Oh sure, sexual misconduct in the Oval
office makes for more entertaining reading than the pope
telling communist dictators to "Open your heart to Christ."

Although I am no fan of the Clintons and I have had my
fair share of belly-laughs during the past week, I can't
help but feel a little ashamed of the loss of perspective by
the media decision-makers. While I realize that being a
publisher of a tiny weekly in the desert of West Texas might
disqualify me in some eyes from being certified to criticize
the practice of daily news gathering by major media outlets,
I'd like to use this ink to point something out.

If CNN, CBS, ABC and NBC had decided to give the pope's
visit top billing, maybe - just maybe - it would have given
the impetus to push public opinion here and abroad to bring
an end to Fidel's oppression of his own people. Considering
the number of journalists who have been jailed within an
island prison, this is perhaps one of the most shameful
hours in the history of American journalism.

Have we ever read about the private sex life of Fidel
Castro? Of course not, because there is no freedom of the
press in Cuba. Although it pained me to see how aged and
feeble Pope John Paul has become, I hope that he has the
strength to make one more trip.

I would pray that the pope will come to the U.S. and visit
every major newsroom with a message for every news editor.

Maybe he could get their attention if he brought along a


You may have noticed that I have avoided mentioning any
individual's names who are running for local public office
in this column for the past couple of weeks. I will continue
to do this through the election.

I am not doing this so much out of a sense of fairness to
all candidates as much as I don't want to be blamed for
giving the proverbial kiss of death to someone's campaign.


Dick Ryan, official architect for the Texas Historical
Commission, was being squired around Monahans by Main
Street's Suzi Blair last week. The guy has been all across
this great state to view buildings of historical and
hysterical signifigance.

I had a very entertaining conversation with the gentleman
and look forward to his next visit. He will be making
several, during which he can give advice to downtown
merchants what can be done to dress-up our buildings. When I
found out that these architectural concept services are
free, I told him I wanted a 50-foot tower with an
observation deck to be built atop the Monahans News. He
explained to me that such an undertaking would be impossible
since the "Monahans News Sky Needle" would obstruct the view
City Manager David Mills is to enjoy from his penthouse
office atop the new City Hall.


We no longer have Edith, and Kerry Acker has run out of
ideas. Bill O'Brien is on his way out of town for a new job.
All of a sudden, we have space open for new columnists.

I told Terry Kirkland he was welcome to write about
lawncare and landscaping. He said he would think about it. I
said this when I first arrived in Monahans and I'll say it
again. This paper is a community newspaper. If you have a
special talent you want to share, whether it be practical or
whimsical, come down and talk to either Jerome Curry or
myself. We've had some good luck so far and could certainly
use some more. Think about it!

Eclectic Man

Randall Stephens Reports

Truth, Justice and the American Video Store

Hello, my name is Randal Stephens, but you can call me
Eclectic Man. I'm here to make sure you don't get home from
the video store with anything you don't want. I fight for
truth, justice and the American way which, as anybody knows
in this day and age, is renting videos. I'm faster than a
poor scrip and I can leap big budget flops in a single bound.

Picture Perfect: is a romantic comedy starring Jennifer
Aniston as Kate, a young lady whose company will not promote
her because she doesn't fit the profile of a long-term
employee, so her friend creates a make-believe fiancé for
her in order to impress the powers that be. Now I found
this movie to be pretty cute, and with Jennifer Aniston
playing the main role, it has all the makings of a can't
miss. She's appealing and attractive (check her out in that
green dress), and she plays the part well. Kevin Bacon
plays Sam, a co-worker who won't date her because he only
likes bad girls and she's too nice. Jay Mohr plays Nick, the
make-believe fiancé. Sam is the jerk you like, but Nick is a
dolt; he's lifeless and bland and while I won't tell you how
this movie turns out, by the end I realized that I was
better for her than either one of these two. Another
drawback is there isn't enough time spent on character
development. To be completely honest, I mostly liked this
movie, but I was disappointed in Nick's character, and that
blew it for me. I mean, if I'm watching a romantic movie, I
actually have to want the girl to get with one of the guys,
and that just didn't happen for me here. Guys, this is a
great date video because it doesn't matter how much of it
you actually get to see, if you know what I mean, but don't
miss the best line: "I miss you." The way she says that
makes the movie worth seeing.


The Game: is an action/suspense with Michael Douglas as Nick
Van Orton, a cynical but wealthy businessman whose life is
boring and lonely, so his brother, Conrad (Sean Penn) signs
him up with a company whose business is providing recreation
and excitement for its clients in the form of a tailor-made
"game". First of all, the performances by Douglas and Penn
are exceptional, nothing less than you'd expect from actors
of this caliber, but a surprise was the performance of
Deborah Kara Unger, probably one of the best actresses
you've never heard of. This movie starts slow because of the
time spent developing characters, the game, etc., but once
it kicks into high gear, it is quite a ride. The road to the
conclusion turns sharply and often, and by the time you get
to the end, you're not sure what is real and what is
fantasy, which is the fun of this movie. It does what it's
supposed to do- keep you guessing and on the edge of your
seat. There were a couple of trouble spots. The profanity
is not excessive, but it is there, and as I said before,
you'll have to wade through a slow start, but all in all,
this is definitely a good video


Event Horizon: is a sci-fi thriller that just came out this
week. The Event Horizon is the name of a ship that has been
lost for several years in deep space. When a signal from
the ship is picked up, a rescue team is sent to find out
what happened to the crew, which has apparently disappeared
without a trace. The plot is simple and the film rests on
previous successes of this genre, such as Alien, but it
doesn't even come close. The premise is sound, but the
writing is weak and so is the acting. Not one of the
familiar faces in this movie made me believe they belonged
there, maybe because of the lack of quality in the
storyline. There is a certain amount of suspense created
because no one seems to know what happened to the original
crew, and that, whatever it is, it affects the rescue team,
but the thrills are cheap. A feeble attempt to cover this
movie's weaknesses is made with extremely gory violence, an
unnecessary nude scene and an abundance of profanity. What
starts out as a promising sci-fi film with pretty good
special effects, turns into a big budget horror flick.
There's one good line: "Yes, I see.", but don't believe it
will make this movie worthwhile. Leave it on your video
store shelf.

I call this next section Yesterday's Leftovers.

The Shawshank Redemption: definitely fits into this category
because it was released in the theaters about the same time
as Forrest Gump. This film was nominated for seven academy
awards, including Best Actor, Best Director and Best
Picture, and it is well deserving of these honors. It stars
Tim Robbins, one of the best and most recognizable actors
today, as Andy Dufresne, a man accused of the murder of his
wife and her lover and is sentenced to life in prison. There
he meets Red (Morgan Freeman) and the two develop a bond of
friendship rarely seen on the screen. The performances are
phenomenal And one more thing - in a certain library scene
about 2/3 of the way through the film, if you'll listen
closely, you can hear Andy speak the name of your esteemed

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