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Feb. 27, 1997

Monahan's Well

By Jerry Curry

Hello Dolly! Hello Dolly!

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Back in '69 I thought I had seen and reported the story of the eons
when I wrote the tale of an Earther landing on the planet's moon, Luna.
I agreed with everything Neil Armstrong said that July day. Humanity was
taking the first giant step toward the cosmos. We really were breaking,
for the first time, the chains that bind us to Mother Earth. Dreams rode
a Saturn V rocket to reality on the glorious day Armstrong and Buzz
Aldrin stepped onto the cold high Lunar desert of Tranquility Base.
That was a legitimate mile-marker in history.
This week something even more momentous and historical has occurred.
This week, Nature, possibly the most prestigious and authoritative
scientific journal known, reports men no longer are needed for survival
of the race. Face it. That's the bottom line on the wondrous tale of
Dolly, a cute seven month old ewe with a twinkle in her eye who was
conceived without any contribution (none, nada, zip) from the masculine
gender of sheepdom.
Several members of the sub-female race have been waiting for this
development for centuries. These troglodytic females to which we refer
are well known to you all. They are a sub-species sometimes named the
bellabzugite. They can best be identified by the shrill cries they utter
when they perceive someone has suggested they might improve their
political position by maybe taking a bath. These troglydytic females
have prayed and begged for a way to rid themselves completely of the
male of the species. They couldn't do it.
But now Dolly has shown them the way. Dolly is beautiful, intelligent,
has a bubbling personality and would never file a lawsuit because she
was only making $100,000 a year more than fellow workers of the
masculine gender.
Dolly is living proof that fanatics of any ilk are totally devoid of
intelligence and absolutely never can advance their own skewed agendas.
Dolly also is living proof that someone else will take the step by which
the agenda of the fanatic can be advanced if the fanatic has the
intelligence to take it and proceed. We thank God most fanatics are both
incompetent and stupid.
Now, you might well ask what has Dolly done that sounds the death knell
of the masculine gender?
To summarize. Nature reports a research team at Roslin Institute in
Edinburg, Scotland, cloned Dolly from a few cells taken from the udder
of her mamma. Dolly does not have a daddy. J.B. Gurdon 25 years ago
cloned Frogs. Dolly's birth in July of 1996 is the first reported
cloning of a mammal. We have it on good authority most human beings are
mammals. This statement does not apply to national and international
To clone is to replicate an exact genetic copy of the being from which
the host cells were taken. In this instance, cells were taken from
Dolly's mama, Nature reports. These cells were allowed to grow in a
petri dish. Then the nucleus was removed from unfertilized sheep eggs.
The cells from the host were introduced into the eggs and the mass was
fused with a gentle stroke of electricity. Then they were allowed to
grow until they reached the embryo stage. At this point, the embryos
were implanted in ewes. Of 277 implants, only Dolly was carried to term.
As noted earlier, no male was required.
If you carry this thing to its logical extreme, sometime in the next
couple of centuries Texas High School Football will cease to exist
because the masculine gender will vanish - there being no reason for its
continued existence. Further absolutely no female can play linebacker,
not even a bellabzugite .

Letter from the Editor:

By Steve Patterson
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Congratulations to Cliff Stephens on being chosen as the new administrator of the MWPISD. Cliff was one of the first people I met when I arrived here last summer and he has been very helpful to the paper
on several occasions.
Being the administrator of a school district can be a stressful job and I only hope that Cliff can keep his great sense of humor intact while tackling the challenges which lay ahead.
Last football season, Cliff drove down to Presidio to check out the little town's minimal facilities a few days before the Loboes were scheduled to play there.
"I thought that since I was in that area of the country, " Cliff said, "that I would go ahead and check out Terlingua. I'd be willing to bet half the people living there are in the federal witness protection program."

Let's play "what if" for a few paragraphs. What if Pecos goes ahead with plans to close down the Barstow schools? What if the good people of Barstow decided to go through the process of joining the MWPISD, thus giving our district the right to apply school taxes to the oil and gas properties between Pyote and Barstow? What if the Barstow high school students began attending MHS and raised its population back up towards that 4-A mark? What if someone writes me and tells me why this is a bad idea?

Yes, for your information, I do feel as bad as I look. I've been hit with that despicable flu which has been creeping around town. If I was allowed to indulge myself, I'd crawl back in the sack with a 55-gallon barrel of Nyquil and wait for the arrival of spring. But, alas, my wife won't let me do that. She says my high-pitched whining drives the neighbors' dogs nuts.
Hats off to TU's Kevin Slay for being chosen vice president of the Permian Basin's Work Force. This commission is in the process of establishing "one-stop" employment centers in several cities. These centers will make the process of placing people in jobs much quicker.
Conspicuous by his absence from Tuesday's city council meeting was Councilman Curt Howard. Curt is in Washington, D.C., lobbying members of Congress on issues affecting individual investors.
Curt, an investment counselor and columnist for this paper, said his main purpose for the trip will be to call attention to the importance of giving individual investors incentives to save for retirement.
Well, Curt, as but one editor who is very concerned about the state of our Social Security system, let me send you best of luck on your mission.
I threatened Councilman Chris Hisel that this paper was prepared to give ringing endorsements to he, Curt Howard and Mayor David Cutbirth on their bids for re-election.
"But we're running unopposed," said Hisel.
"I know," says I, "so what have I got to lose?"
In all seriousness, this trio is doing a great job for the community and the paper has no qualms about giving its endorsement.
But just in case, challengers have until March 17 to sign-up for the next election.
NEXT WEEK: The Monahans News on the Net.
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Copyright 1997 by Ward Newspapers, Inc.
107 W. Second St., Monahans TX 79756
Phone 915-943-4313, FAX 915-943-4314

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